I got my NSF comment sheets, and it sort of sent me into a set of blues. No, it's not that I'm bent out of shape about not winning an absurdly competitive fellowship...it's about the frustration with myself that I'm good but just not good enough to be excellent. I knew that in applying, seeing my friend who has done teach for America in rural Mississippi, has 2 papers and 2 poster presentations, a Goldwater, and an absurd GPA and reading her essays along with seeing her qualifications that I just am not that awesome. I don't know how to change the fact that I don't have any publications...I don't think this problem will persist throughout my graduate career, but I also don't have a project that's a hit and run with it project right now and it's going to take a little bit of patience to get some of my shit to work. Like maybe a year. I don't know. Maybe things will start rolling this summer after classes are done. But it's just not bam bam bam falling into place for me immediately. Immediacy is rewarded in science sometimes (at least for the $$$), even if some of the most meaningful results are on a longer timescale and you have to fight for them more.

I've never been a fit the mold awesome student, and I've always ridden off of giving people the impression that I am passionate, competent, and possess skills that don't manifest themselves in the classroom but are ultimately the skills a scientist needs. But even this has yet to manifest itself in a publication (in my first year of graduate school) and while I'm trying to keep this all in perspective...well... Perhaps it's the fact that I keep the company of too many over achievers. My best friend is submitting his first first-authored paper to a high impact journal in his second semester of grad school. It makes me feel like, well, WTF am I doing with my life?

For my reviews I got a Good/Very Good and Very Good/Good. I know in this game, Good isn't Good enough; you have to be Excellent and Very Good. Actually, my weak academic record and lack of a publication record wasn't even commented on (although one reviewer commented that I didn't have any abstract or poster presentations). Actually the reviewers really had nothing but nice, even glowing things to say in the comment sheet. The only negative thing (besides the comment about poster presentations) was that my previous research statement could have more details in it (how could I fit any more details in 2 pages?). All the rest of the comments were on how strong and well written my proposed research was; how I had varied research; how my research in natural products carried into my future research; how my personal statement was good; how strong my letters were (and how one in particular said that I had incredible enthusiasm for science and potential for future success); how I demonstrated a commitment to outreach to elementary schools; how I demonstrated a commitment to mentoring undergraduates; how my international research experience is a positive indicator for collaborative networks and broad dissemination in my field; how I explained how my work is relevant to the scientific community at large.

Really these rating sheets are pretty much useless. They say that I'm a good scientist and have a lot of potential, but I am just not awesome enough to be competitive for awesome people fellowships for awesome people who deserve to get awesome amounts of money. I guess I should take it as a complement that I got this far?