I am so fucking tired. My god. I don't know how I managed to get this sleep deprived.

The semester goes ok. Physical chemistry is giving me some demons because I suck at math. That last stat therm test was pretty brutal. I hear Dan's tests are always brutal though. Anyway, it's just going to be something to get through.

I don't have much structured course-time as I am only taking one lab class but a lot of homework all the time. I'm also working on something in one of my profs labs so in between classes I'm usually running reactions and working things up and taking NMRs and so on. Squeezing in time in the lab on top of a full load of classes is a completely different matter than having seven or eight hours during the day to just do chemistry like it has been doing summer research. It's making me really excited for thesis next year, though.

I love being in the lab doing projects. What I don't like are class labs. It honestly just feels like a huge waste of time to spend eight hours taking data that no one gives a fuck about and has been done thousands of times before and will yield crappy results and then spend another ten hours writing some bitchy-ass stupid lab report where you have to anal-retentively propigate all the error and so on. It's just biochem methods and analytical that I have to get through still and then I am relieved from stupid lab classes. I guess I see why they are useful and necessary, but by junior year you just sort of feel done with it. I want to be in lab the doing research and not doing annoying pedigogical exercises. The exposure to lab techniques is good, I guess, but I almost feel like I'm at a point where I can pick up most lab techniques as necessary.

I've also been thinking more and more about applying to grad school next fall. Basically, I just want to be in a situation where I am discussing and learning about science at a high level and being in the lab. I've always thought I would take a break between grad school and undergrad but I'm starting to think that I'm ready to move on to that phase of my life.

quantum mechanics won't solve all your problems

It took three years of chemistry education, but I think I finally understand what a wavefunction is and what quantum chemistry is. While I have very little native interest in the process of integrating over all space and solving differential equations to reach quantum mechanical approximations (I'd rather appreciate the fruits of other people's labors in that area...or get the computer to do it), I think I finally get quantum chemistry is all about conceptually (and why it is very bizarre). I think having calculus, statistics, and physics really solidified all of this for me--even if I can't do the math facilely operationally, I do know what a differential equation is, what the dot product is, why probabilities have to integrate to one, what the complex conjugate is, and what polar coordinates are...and Dan, Maggie, and Alan have given me a pretty solid conceptual idea of what the mathematical gears behind orbitals and energies are.

Depending on what I do later in life, I may or may not need to confront all this at a higher level, and beyond just a conceptual level, but I think I'm content now with the fact that I'm not going to have time to take it before I graduate.

I'm feeling better about my life choices right now. Working on my inorganic chemistry problem set--and I realized that this class is really fucking cool. It gives you just enough quantum mechanics to appreciate what quantum is and what the beauty of it is. I mean, I know that at some level I knew what orbitals were, but it's kind of neat to see a function (even if we're not going into the nitty gritty details of the mathematics) graphed in polar coordinates and suddenly an orbital appears.

I'm also feeling better about the freakout I had on Friday where I wished I had been a straight chemistry major. Because effectively, I've taken pretty nearly the same courses as a chemistry major but I also know about as much biology as a biology major. I'm a little deficient in the math department, but I do know a lot of science.

I'm a lab TA organic chemistry, and tomorrow they are doing Grignards. Hopefully no one will point the heat gun at a flask of ether. It should be exciting times, though.